Natalie Joy and Nick Viall are experiencing tremendous loss.
The surgical technician shared that she was “actively miscarrying” her and the Bachelor alum’s second child while reflecting on the traumatic experience.
“It has been the biggest heartbreak of my life,” Natalie—who shares 11-month-old daughter River with Nick—said on the Jan. 19 episode of The Viall Files podcast. “I've never experienced something where I feel so empty inside.”
“I feel dead inside,” she told Nick, 44. “It sucks because I have to be so alive for River. I have to be silly and goofy and funny and play with her. Then, I have this overwhelming guilt that when I’m with you, I can’t also do that. I’m sad that the only version you get right now is this broken person.”
The 26-year-old shared that she was “spot bleeding for a while,” which she didn’t experience in her previous pregnancy. Although spotting can be normal, Natalie admitted that she felt like she “knew it from the jump.”
“I didn't want to accept that,” she said. “Then it just got heavier and heavier. I'm just so thankful that we were home and not traveling and not in a hotel or on an airplane. We got home, and I went to go pee and it was like I gave birth. It was like I did, essentially. I was screaming and crying and Nick ran into the bathroom. You just think, ‘How are you supposed to stand up and flush this baby down the toilet?’”
“That was definitely the hardest night of my life,” she reflected. “Just experiencing that is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Unfortunately, I know a lot of women do experience it. I just feel for these people so much because I was so mad at my body for letting it go.”
Natalie also expressed her gratitude for Nick’s support amid the heartbreaking experience.
“It was the worst experience I’ve been through but you made it as easy as it could have been to go through,” she said. “You did everything right, which I feel is impossible to do in those situations. Yet, you managed and you still continue to.”
Although the couple—who tied the knot last April—are still in the thick of their loss, Natalie shared why she decided to retell the experience on their podcast.
“It’s going to take a long time to heal from this, but it is raw and we're feeling it right now,” she said. “That's why I wanted to do this now because I want to show people and I want to tell the mothers who have felt this same feeling like, ‘Yeah, you're not alone.’”
“I just also don't want to forget this baby,” she continued. “I don't want time to go on and for this baby to have just been like a blip in our lives. I want River to be able to watch this back and see her parents' love for her sibling that could have been here.”
